It’s the end of February and as I have written on my last post I’m in my pre- form 5 holiday, I still have 5 months left until I start my advanced level studies. Last year 2018 was full of hard work and rewards, I was awarded twice both cash price and  a trophy due to my extra curricula activities, it was a great experience one I’m forever thankful to my Yahweh and people who helped me.

The hard work came in my studies because it was my final school year and my grades would determine my “future” (as they say). All of this made me proudly say 2018 is the best year of my life and I look forward to eat my 2018 fruits in 2019, cause of all the hard work done in the previous year.

I was waiting for three things in 2019:

One:  US embassy university scholarship if I get a score of division one in my final national exams.

Two: a trip to a summit in New York after sending my wonderfully filled three dot dash application.

Three : advanced level admissions to my dream high school, African leadership academy.

All of these three I was sure I will get them because I had my affirmations, prayers, CV and recommendations on point. I even started reading self help books to improve my personality and inner self. I quote Jen Sincero from the book You are a badass she says

If you want to attract the right people, opportunities and emotions, you must vibrate the same frequency as they are so the universe can match

Jen Sincero

Men I was vibrating I started morning jogs and exercise, learning hacking, asked one of my friends to teach me basket and guitar playing, did all my project requirements on time to avoid procrastination, established a relationship with God. This was definitely the “New year New me”.

First bomb dropped when my application for the three dot dash summit was declined, I was not hurt, I even replied a thank you note and asked for further feedback on my application which they kindly replied (thank you Annie) .

 I kept on with my life at the end of January another bomb dropped I did not get enough scores for my scholarship but good news is I was accepted for an interview with the African academy, so the blow was softened.

At this point I was hanging by a thread I prepared for the interview more times than I could ever count, I practiced with my mentors, researched possible questions, long story short the interview was great because I did my very best. Last week the bomb was bigger than the others, the academy declined my application.

I fell into depression for two days, throughout I was asking myself the question why? And I cried for 6 hours straight until a painful headache settled on me.  The fact that in September I will be 20 and I can’t apply for the third time really hit me hard.

The truth is since I was in primary school, I knew that I was the oldest pupil and that made me feel different and limited. Opportunities would come for my class but I can’t participate because of the age range. I still feel bad about it because it puts me in a cage called “older but still young”.  I have to race with time and it’s a race I can’t win.

Now that I have fallen flat on my bottom I have decided to live out of my cocoon and break all the restrictions I was putting on myself. I want to live the girlboss movie and I will update how it goes.  I will end by saying

If you want to live a life you’ve never lived, you have to do things you’ve never done”

Jen Sincero